Just Funny Collection
Here are 11 famous insults from history
- The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your tea.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
- A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
- “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
- “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
- “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
- “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
- “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
- “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
- “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the local football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Why, why him, of all people.
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Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
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1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip
2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards.
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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
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Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
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U can control your breadth,not your death.
U can control your life but not wife…
U can control emotions…. .but not
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Dear Friends,
I am happy to inform you all that I have completed my MBA Degree. I am sorry if u got surprised by knowing, about my part time MBA (Operations) , all of a sudden. I was a bit embarrassed about telling this to all of you.
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1) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get u r death certificate.
2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH.
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Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
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George Bush
After numerous rounds of ‘We don’t even know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive’, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded
message:
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GOD created the DONKEY and told him, ‘You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!’
The DONKEY answered, ‘I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!’ and GOD gave him 20 years.
GOD created DOG and told him ‘ You will look after man’s house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!’
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We are all a little weird and life’s is little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE! 
98% OF AMERICANS SAY ‘OH SHIT’ BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MAINE AND THEY SAY, ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.’
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, “What are you being prosecuted for?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping too early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s not a crime,” replied Judge Judy.
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