1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM “
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Practice makes a man perfect… – But nobody’s perfect….. . So why practice?
Money is not everything. – There’s MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. – They are so tasty .
Save water. – Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour. – But don’t get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
A woman is playing golf and hits her ball into a water hazard, she looks for her ball and finds a talking frog instead. The frog says, “I will grant you three wishes but there is one catch… Anything you wish for will be given to you husband 10 times more”
The woman agrees and for her first wish requests, “I want to be the richest woman in the world“.
British: Why you all Pakistanis are in same colour?
Look we all are white
Pakistani: Horses are in different colours but all Donkeys are same.
The Leave Applications; )
· Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
‘Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.’
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. ~ Bobcat Goldthwait
I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s house and ask her for money. ~ Kevin Meaney
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ~ Paula Poundstone
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?”
He said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
Good: You’re pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Q. What is defference between man and Superman?
A. Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. 
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
A baby mosquito came back after its 1st fight.
.
.
.
Dad asked: “how did u feel?”
.
.
.
It replied: “Dad it was wonderful. every one was clapping 4 me”
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life.
