To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM “

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Practice makes a man perfect… – But nobody’s perfect….. . So why practice?

Money is not everything. – There’s MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. – They are so tasty .

Save water. – Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. – But don’t get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

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A woman is playing golf and hits her ball into a water hazard, she looks for her ball and finds a talking frog instead. The frog says, “I will grant you three wishes but there is one catch… Anything you wish for will be given to you husband 10 times more”

The woman agrees and for her first wish requests, “I want to be the richest woman in the world“.

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British: Why you all Pakistanis are in same colour?

Look we all are white

Pakistani: Horses are in different colours but all Donkeys are same.

The Leave Applications; )

· Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

‘Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.’

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If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. ~ Bobcat Goldthwait

I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s house and ask her for money. ~ Kevin Meaney

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ~ Paula Poundstone

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