Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.

Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.

The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

When happy hour is a nap.

When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

When you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

When you stop buying green bananas.

When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

When you were in school there was no history class!

When your birth certificate says expired on it.

When you’re told to act your own age, and you die.

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”